Some Rules for Drinking on the Beach

Since summer has unofficially begun, it is a good time to write about one of my favorite things: drinking on the beach. Now drinking on the beach is technically illegal, but everyone does it. Like speeding or holding in football it occurs all the time, you get caught for it not depending on whether or not you are doing it in the first place, but whether or not you are doing it like an asshole.

I had my first sip of beer on the beach when I was still in diapers. (Thanks Dad for not only giving it to me, but recording it.) So, from my lifetime of drinking on the beach here are some do's and don'ts I have learned:

1. Use a Koozie. The entire existence of the Koozie is for drinking on the beach. It provides a cloaking layer over your beer, so powers that be on the beach can't see what you are drinking. Therefore, they will have no reason to think that you are doing something illegal. Not only will a Koozie hide your beer from authorities, but will also keep your hand from warming your beer, and add a layer of protection from sand.

2. Throw your empties back in the cooler. The powers that be on the beach don't really care that your are drinking, but they do care about trash on the beach. So you can bet that if your chairs are surrounded by Bud light cans, someone is going to take notice and write you a ticket.

3. Don't drink right next to the lifeguard. As a species Beach lifeguards are naturally lazy when on the stand. The last thing they want to do is tell people they can't drink on the beach. They have much more important things to do like making sure the fat guy wearing a t-shirt in the water doesn't venture too close to the rip tide—and staring at the ass of the 22 year old wearing the white bikini.

4. If you are using cups don't use ones that have beer labels printed on them. Once again, just don't act like an asshole.

5. Don't drink Bud Light lime or Miller Chill. No one likes those beers anyway, and if your bring them to the beach all your friends will make fun of you.

Halloween Walk of Shame

Everyone knows the walk of shame; most of us have done them. I usually take pride in my walks of shame. Well I guess it depends on the situation. I can usually hide a walk of shame given the fact that I often wear the same clothes two days in a row, or take off the collared shirt to just wear the t-shirt that I had underneath.

However there is one holiday where walks of shame become a little more interesting: Halloween.

“Excuse me mam, do you always dress like a cop in a very short miniskirt?”

Sure that sequined lingerie looked good for Halloween night in a dark bar after drinking wine coolers for four hours. But on All Saints Day in the mid-morning sun, you just feel a little awkward.

I one time had to borrow a sweat suit from my ex-girlfriend in college because my costume would not take the mid-day sun. I really never had the need to leave clothes there before because after all I am usually not averse to wearing my clothes two days in a row. But my white ninja costume was not going to cut it. I had the great idea to wear a youth medium white ninja outfit—complete with plastic sword and throwing stars.

Now that night I didn’t have a problem with wearing see through white spandex. I even embraced it by wearing hear boxers underneath that all could see. But the next day it wasn’t going to cut it. I had holes in the pants from a plastic sword fight with a black garbed ninja, and my shirt was torn from me trying to rip it off Hulk Hogan style.

So the next day I borrowed the sweat suit. So indeed of walking through the entire college campus nearly naked I wore a two size too small sweat suit that didn’t look much better.

Maybe we should embrace these Halloween walks of shame. Be proud that your Halloween is still going on at ten the next morning.

I love Hank Moody

So it’s true. I have a man crush on a fictional character. Though this one is not my first (this one was preceded by Desmond from Lost) it might be my strongest. Now I like Hank for many reasons:

1) He is a brooding struggling writer. While he has had a lot of past success he still struggles with it. He never regards it as something as easy.

2) He is constantly trying to improve the English language for the invention of new words that we so badly need—like a broner; a male induced boner; or defending the language against retarded sounding internet slang. He even often gives us new similes and metaphors. For example Hank insists that open relationships are an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp.

3) He gets all the women while not really trying. Beautiful women just seem to throw themselves at him. He actually has to expend effort not to get women. (I think this mystery is going to be delved into more in season three. Either that or maybe I should just move to L.A.)

4) Hank is the consummate gentleman. He loves women and is always standing up from them especially when they are treated poorly and abused. Though with everything else he does this usually winds up getting him into trouble.

5) He doesn’t bullshit. He is as straight and honest as he can be. Foreseeabley this also gets him in trouble.

6) But more so than anything else I like Hank Moody because he is all heart. He is really a simple guy. He just wants things to work out for the women he loves. He wants to be the best dad for his daughter, even though he keeps messing it up along the way. And he just wants for things to work out with his ex-girlfriend / mother of his child. He is just trying to make the both of them happy.

So do I want to be Hank Moody—it would be fun. But nah I really hope my life isn’t that fucked up at forty. But damn do I admire him.

Cris Collingsworth’s tie

So you are a national tv football commentator and reporter. You have been doing it for about twenty years now. You got the Thursday night game to kick off the season that millions of people are going to be watching and you think, yeah I’ll wear that tie with the giant blue polka-dots. It will look really classy.

I think I wore the same tie when I was a freshman in high school. It was an all-boys school so I didn’t even have to think about impressing anyone. For someone to even wear a tie like that outside of the home let alone get it on national TV they have to leave the house with it on.

Now I don’t know about you but no sensible woman I know would ever let me wear a tie like that outside of the home. Actually, if I am ever in a relationship with a woman who sees me in the morning, I would expect her to let me know if the tie I was wearing made me look like a giant douche. It would be somewhere in the relationship contract. I would then expect some physical abuse to make sure I don’t repeat the mistake and get my head out of my own ass.

But to make it on national tv wearing one. Well, that takes some skill, not only does your significant other have to approve of one but the people who are working with you have to let you know. People, who are supposed to be on top of this thing with titles like—stylist, publicist, and producer. So a tie like this getting on national TV is not just the failing of one person—it is the failing of many. Though this seems to be on ongoing problem and not just localized to Mr. Collingsworth. He is just one of many offenders with an accord of others.